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  • 3.3 HW: Writing – Descriptive Essay

  • Solomon Hernandez

    Member
    14.09.2022 at 23:06

    Hi Sonya! A pretty great essay overall. You had a decent introduction that flowed well. You also explained your ideas cohesively. Additionally, you made use of some of the vocabulary. Here are some things we can work on.

    First, for the first feature, it’s a bit unclear what you mean by “developed space”. I couldn’t find much info online on this term in relation to schools. Do you mean something like flexible learning spaces for children? Based on your example, it seems like that could be a better term.

    Next, for the third feature, the idea feels a little underdeveloped. You talked a bit about developing independent personalities. However, the part about “book with knowledge” feels unclear. It would’ve been better to expand on this and maybe give an example. This way, there’ll be a clearer contrast between the two ideas.

    Lastly, just be careful with some of the grammar and language used. For example, in the third sentence, there’s an “I” at the beginning when there shouldn’t be one. Another example, “the mental health of the students would be above all” can be “the mental health of the students should be prioritized”. Here’s another one, “it may be a rule according to which a teacher cannot shout at students”. This can be “there could be a rule disallowing teachers from shouting at students”. Also, be careful as well with run-on sentences and punctuation errors.

    Overall though, I do think it’s a splendid essay. I hope some of my feedback will be useful for you in the future.

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