Hi Sonya! I absolutely enjoyed your story and found it quite inspiring. I’m glad you got something good out of the experience! So let’s dissect your essay now.
First off, the first sentence was quite eye-catching in my opinion. Your first paragraph generally contained the elements suggested in our lesson. In fact, your whole essay made use of all the tips! You also made great use of the target vocabulary (e.g. bitter, uplifted, initially, puzzled). Also, the third paragraph, in particular, was a fun read and some good story-telling.
While it’s great that your essay is very detailed, it might come off as excessively long for others. Perhaps there are some things you can cut out or shorten. For example, in the third sentence of the first paragraph, you can probably just omit that and then change the next sentence to “On the eve of our 9th-grade graduation, I discussed…”. That way, it’d still describe the time setting while still shortening the paragraph a bit. The last three sentences can also be shortened as well. Maybe you could rewrite this as: “Initially, we bitterly believed that we couldn’t change this tradition because our prior experience with adults showed that they never really listen when it comes to these things”.
I was thinking of really cutting down the third paragraph, but the way you described the event was kind of fun storytelling. So I think we can focus on shortening the second paragraph. Maybe you can really reduce it to something like this: “At first, I attempted different things to stop the balloon tradition. I wrote to the class teacher and to my classmates about it, but to no success. And then on graduation day, my friends and I personally talked to all our classmates instead.”
You can then transition to the third paragraph or even combine them. There are also some parts that may feel redundant or unnecessary, so try to work around which parts to cut out, shorten, or keep.
Additionally, be careful of some spelling mistakes such as in the phrase, “massively pulled the planet”. I believe you meant to say “pollute”. There were also some grammatical errors like, “I was stood as a viewer on”. You can just say “I stood as a viewer for the” or even “I was a viewer for the”. Take note as well of proper punctuation. For example, in the first part of the last paragraph, you combined two sentences into one when there should’ve been a period to separate them. Try to use a grammar checker, such as Grammarly, as this can also help a lot.
All in all though, while there’s a lot you can improve, I think you did a pretty great job! I hope to see you improve on this and look forward to your future work.